It's Been A Long Time

I had the opportunity to attend a conference, 4 hours away from my safe place, a few months back.  It's now November but I started this blog the same way I have the past few; it's be a long time.  We go through seasons in our lives where different modes of relaxation serve us for different purposes. Writing was cathartic at one point.  I journaled on and off for several years and then I just stopped.  

Being in a hotel room, by yourself, creates a space where you and your thoughts have no other place to go. Although it was a great conference, one night I woke up with a racing heart and just wanted to be home. My safe space with the ones I love.  Why do you think we put people as a safety net instead of our faith?

That's the big question that is lingering in my mind. This season has taken me away from discernment.  I've been relying on schedules and work to fill my time.  When those things slow down, I am left with the deep thoughts that live in my soul.  The grief, the worry, the questioning of my self-worth, the evaluation of friendships, the changes that come with age, the teen driver that is growing up way too fast, etc... The list continues but doesn't reveal itself until the quiet.  

As a leader, I manage controlled chaos, all day long.  There are never two days the same and I love my job.  I love serving teachers and students.  I love connecting with parents and working through difficult conversations.  I thrive in a rigorous climate that demands your attention all day. It's the quiet moments on the way home.  You have to control the irrational thoughts that pop out of nowhere before they control you.  It's living by faith, not fear. 

At school, we teach brain regulation strategies to our students.  We model deep breathing, positive affirmations, and vagus nerve calming yet when do we, as adults, regulate ourselves?  You know the saying, you can't pour from an empty cup.  Sounds very cliche but guess what, I'm empty. 

Now, I don't share that because I want pity or even someone to talk to about it.  I say it because I know if I don't, I'll continue to live in this moment instead of rereading my words and knowing it's time to refocus my priorities.  Things at work won't change on the outside, but the sharing of my time away from the classroom and student/teacher support will take center stage.  Teachers deserve to have my focus and moving into the end of semester 1, my attention will remain on them. Serve those doing the work; that is what I was called to do.