1:00 AM: here I am again. I haven't had one of these wake ups for awhile but I know what happens when I do. Racing heart, dizzy, thoughts spinning of why I feel out of control, and a calm husband that reminds me to breathe. As he then returns to sleep, I get to stay here in my thoughts for a bit. Writing, listening, praying, waiting, checking, breathing, waiting, checking...it's a routine I put myself in so I can be in control. So I can ignore the thoughts and control the racing heart rate. Checking, writing, checking, and sure enough as I become distracted everything falls back into place. Sometimes it's thirty minutes, sometimes it's a few days but what I know is I am absolutely kidding myself if I ever think it's me controlling all of this. I've put a lot of work in over the years to manage anxiety instead of letting it manage me. Times right now are different and it's becoming a new routine for many who are missing their schedules, control, and struggling with faith over fear.
So our new normal is what so many are writing about. The benefits of the quarantine for families, the world, and how we will come out of this stronger than before. My normal is currently planning, daily, of what we can do to help our teachers and youth move through this time. I've seen how my own children have been affected and I can only imagine how some of our kids are managing. The anxiety comes from processing it all and that doesn't even include the virus. One that I will not fear.
"I will not be overcome, through the valley of the shadows, I will not fear." I have seen people allow this virus control every action. Fear does that to us and the media amplifies all of it. I wonder if we didn't have social media or news how fearful we would be during this time? I wonder if we are walking away from our faith that drives our daily lives and allowing fear to control all of our reactions. I wonder if it will ever get better.
"I will lift my eyes to the maker of the mountains I can't climb." This is one that I refuse to climb, it's out of my hands. I will rest easy in His protection and healing and I will focus on "what I can control." I can help and that's how I find peace.
Dad's fight was one I learned from and until now I often thought I understood. My sense of calm around this time has come from his story. My mom has often told me to look at how strong he was, never doubting and always pouring out praise. My dad wasn't an outward Christian until his diagnosis. I saw his faith grow and not waiver until his last breath, with strength that came from above. He must be standing next to me now. I may have a night like this every now and then but it's my way of reflecting on what's important, how I am not in control at all, and to share His grace and love to those that need it. I extend an offer to help and that's where I rest in peace. I wonder how dad would have led through this, where he would even be working and the struggles that he would endure with retail. Look for the helper, that was my dad. He always problem solved and gave feedback to help increase capacity in every employee, whether it was personal or business related.
So there are these nights every now and then when I write. Maybe I'll post and maybe I won't but the outlet is one I encourage you to try. I may not write music like dad, but words do flow when the thoughts are racing. Every one of our students will be getting a journal in their summer bag. I am encouraging them to use writing and drawing as a source of peace. It's not for everyone, I get it, but if we can reach a few to help sort out the unknown feelings then we are making progress.
The checking has stopped, the peace has returned and my focus is on His impact in my life. The verse of the day is always perfect timing. I'll leave you with the end of the Psalm:
7The Lord keeps you from all harm
and watches over your life.
8The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,
both now and forever.
Prayers for our World, that we all may see His hand in our daily lives and the power of His healing. Sending peace and love to all of you friends!
Just Love,
Kirsten
